Masks Off - A Challenge to Men

What is the "Art of Manliness", you ask? This is one answer.



For me, a man with three sisters, three daughters, and one granddaughter the message is extremely relevant. Do you have sisters, girlfriends, girl-friends, wives, daughters? Then it is relevant for you as well.

Asking to be raped? We don't think so.

This great rebuttal came to us from Joseph Vidulich in D.C.

Brother,

I don’t know if you know about this, but all over the news in the D.C. region is this story about American University and condoning the notion that if young ladies get drunk at fraternity parties they are basically asking to be date-raped. Well the story has cause a significant amount of outrage around the campus and the region. See below.

Student's column stirs date-rape debate

Paper issues apology

The boys at D.C. Delta, in the wake of the outrage, wrote a letter to the campus paper, the Eagle, outlining the values they uphold and the standards they bring to the University. It is truly an honor to work with these boys on a daily basis. They set the standard for fraternalism on American University’s campus and makes this alum constantly proud.

The letter and links are below.
Letters to the Editor

Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity responds

We, the Brothers of Sigma Phi Epsilon, take issue with Mr. Alex Knepper’s article “Dealing with AU’s anti-sex brigade.” We are offended with his portrayal of any person who attends a social function as passively accepting sexual intercourse regardless of actual consent. Going to a party does not mean anyone explicitly wants sex.

Sigma Phi Epsilon prides itself on keeping high standards of decency, community and respect. Rather than submit to stereotypes of the “frat,” SigEp created the Balanced Man Program which teaches members to care for our bodies, our minds and the people around us. SigEp Brothers have subsequently taken alcohol and date courses in show of support. We are positive that other fraternities on this campus are teaching similar values and should be commended for such. For anyone to throw around terms like “frat” and implications of enabling and threatening student bodies, is an insult to the values and mission that Fraternities provide.

It saddens us that the tragedy of date rape persists in our society and affects all campus communities. The fight to eradicate the violence is not helped by individuals who make over-arching statements that come to the conclusion that anyone who attends a party, fraternity affiliated or otherwise, is consenting to sex. Legally and morally, this is not the case. The most recent large-scale study conducted by the Department of Justice of rape on college campuses, found an average 35 rapes per 1,000 female students over seven months. But this shocking number doesn’t tell the full tale. These are not passive participants to be made light of, they are people. These are not just tragic numbers; they are fellow students sitting next to you in classes. These are not just sad statistics, they are strong survivors.

Mr. Knepper’s arguments may be illogical and hurtful, but he is not the source of the problem in this discussion. Date rape continues to occur with or without Mr. Knepper’s outrageous remarks. All college students must take it upon themselves to stop date rape. Whether that means talking to someone in the Women’s Initiative or the GLBTA Resource Center, participating in Take Back the Night, or even simply listening to a friend without judgment — we can all do something.

Date rape is an appalling epidemic that faces everyone. For ourselves, our friends and communities we must stand up. Instead of blaming the survivor, we can logically examine what causes a person to believe they have the right to another’s body. Instead of making inflammatory statements for personal fame, we can come up with solutions. Instead of blaming fraternities, we can reach out to them as an ally.

It pains us that Mr. Knepper’s article represents many ills of this world. Date rape is persistently robbing our communities of sexual security. The more we learn about the issue of date rape in our community the more active we can become. The more we understand the harm it does and the survivor’s strength, the more we can do to support those affected. The more individuals get invested in this issue, the faster an unwavering collective ‘we’ will stand up against this crime. American University, we must all stand up. We must stand together. Not just to stop hurtful speeches of one writer for The Eagle, but to stop painful actions across our community and across all college campuses. The Brothers of Sigma Phi Epsilon pledge our continued support to the community, AU’s survivors, and the collective “we” to educate and eradicate this tragic plague.

The DC Delta Chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon

Joseph Vidulich
DC Delta ‘08

Actually, with a response like that, those "boys" have shown themselves to be mature men.

Learning doesn't stop at 22. (Scripting News)

Dave Winer is one of the first, if not the very first, bloggers. He also is one of the inventors, if not THE inventor, of podcasting. In addition to his technical chops he often has interesting stuff to say on any number of subjects. In this article he touches on something that every chapter volunteer (not to mention every parent) has experienced. No matter what age you are, you think you know all you need to. He writes about a conference he attended at age 44...

Picture this. A group of about 20 people seated on the floor in a circle. A young man, opposite me, says directly to me, "I know as much as you do." It's part of a discussion about the differences between people of varying ages. According to the younger folk, they have everything we have, and of course their bodies are younger, and stronger. We older folk are nothing but older. This was the point the young man was trying to make.
[...]
I asked him a question.

"Do you know more now than when you were 12?" (I picked an age before puberty, when he lived with his parents. Before he had a beard. Back when college would seem as vague as high school, when he would have had no sense of his future life independent of his family.)

"No comparison! I didn't know shit when I was 12."

"Do you think learning stops at 22?"
[...]
People of all ages should keep their minds open. It might surprise some young people to learn that this advice applies to them as much as it does to older people.

Good advice for students, and for volunteers. There is more at the link.

Learning doesn't stop at 22. (Scripting News)

Advice to Alumni When You Return to Campus

Act your age
from our Friends at the Apathy Myth - a Blog for America's Student Leaders

This one is for the alumni out there.

I want to tell you about a little journey I've been taking. When you're a professional speaker, you go through a sort of progression. In my 20's, I was all about "being one of them" to the students. I wanted to dress like them, look their age, and speak on their level. I could talk about sex and dating, for example, and the students were right there with me.

It got harder as I neared 30, but fortunately, I was usually able to pull it off most of the time. A well-placed reference to that summer's big teenage movie (I specifically remember forcing myself to watch "Road Trip") worked wonders. Even as my life started to move toward more mature, adult things like financial planning, buying a house, and having a kid – I worked hard to make sure I didn't lose touch with the student set. It was definitely an act, though. I couldn't keep up with their musical tastes, and I didn't want to. I didn't think getting drunk three nights a week was normal, anymore, and I wasn't laughing along with the stories of idiotic behavior. I was getting a little "judgey."

Another funny thing – I had to stop talking about sex and dating altogether. I couldn't even make casual references. College students are repulsed by the idea that anyone over 35 has sex, ever. Take my word for it – students groan and squirm in their seats at the slightest suggestion.

Now, I'm 40, and it's over. I'm their dad. As a professional speaker in my 40's raising a teenager of my own, I've had to morph into something much different than I was 15 years ago. In 15 years, I went from being one of them, to being their cool older brother, to being an ancient relic. When I tell fraternity audiences that I was initiated in 1987, before they were born, they look at me like I'm one of their founders.

I had to embrace the fact that students were seeing me differently, and I needed to stop trying to be their cool buddy. I had to rewrite my programs and change all my jokes. I had to speak to them as what I was – a smart adult with something to say. I had something to teach them. I stopped trying to speak at their level, because I was somewhere higher. I had to embrace that.

I write about this, today, because a colleague suggested I write about those alumni who simply haven't learned this lesson yet. They come to events and try to be cool by acting like they are still 22. I cringe when I see them – men in their 40's at campus or leadership events who are trying hard to be "one of the boys."

Dude, you're not 22 anymore. You're not fooling anyone. Enabling the "boys will be boys" crap is counter productive. Oh, and by the way, everyone over 30 in the room thinks you're being a tool.

I've seen a past national president of a fraternity act this way recently. He was ogling young sorority women and saying the most embarrassing things to the younger men as he bought them beer and encouraged their worst behavior. Funny thing was, he thought he was being cool with the young men. I could tell they were laughing at him, not with him. The staff members of his fraternity were in visible pain watching him, unable to stop him.

It was humiliating.

Here's what I wanted to say to him. "You have a lot to offer. Be a role model. Show these young men what they can grow up to be. Stop acting like you stopped maturing around age 24. Show them what manhood looks like."

I'm not saying you have to launch into lectures. I'm not saying you have to be their father.

Just be yourself, and embrace the fact that you can be relevant without being one of them. College students have their own buddies, their own age. They don't need you to fill that gap for them. You can't do it, anyway.

What many students crave are role models and mentors to whom they can relate. Try it. You might like it.

New Book: "Guyland" by Michael Kimmel

Chuck Eberly is a longtime volunteer and a person who has strong academic credentials. He sent us an email recommending "Guyland" by Michael Kimmel and noted that our "Balanced Man" program is favorably mentioned. Rather than try to restate what he said, here is his email.

Dear Friends and Brothers,

Please consider purchasing this book. In all my years as a fraternity chapter advisor I have never read anything quite like Michael Kimmel's "Guyland". John Robson, Editor of the Sigma Phi Epsilon Journal for 28 years, and my mentor, used to say that everything published about men and the college fraternity from academic circles was about "white heat" and never about "red heart." He lamented frequently that few understood what was behind young men's behavior. Michael Kimmel's Guyland is such a book.

Please note, in particular, the last entry on the back of the book cover (scroll down the entire document and the book cover will appear).

Would it be possible to advocate this book on the Sig Ep Headquarters website? I quote specifically from the next to last page of the book:

"Sigma Phi Epsilon has embraced a new "balanced man program," which the fraternity developed in the 1990s to combat a culture of "boozing, drugging, and hazing." They've simply and unilaterally done away with the pledge system; new members have virtually all the rights and privileges of brothers. The brothers are presumed to be men when they begin; they don't have to prove their manhood to their peers. Scott Thompson, the fraternity's national spokesman, told a journalist:

New members don't pledge for a certain period of time, get hazed, get initiated, and then show up for parties until they graduate. In the Balanced Man Program, men join, and they are developed from the time they join until the time they graduate. Part of that development focuses on building a sound mind and sound body, a simple philosophy that we took from the ancient Greeks.

Here, in the words of a former frat guy, lies the hope of guys everywhere: that the culture of entitlement can become a culture of integrity—in which guys know that each person's integrity is equal to his own.

Interfraternally,
Chuck Eberly, Chapter Counselor
Illinois Nu of Sigma Phi Epsilon

HQ will have to make their own decision about the book, but we like what we see and what Chuck said. Chuck followed up with this further information:

This is an outstanding book, and I am so very pleased that two Illinois Nu brothers, Jimmy Friesema and Michael Nowak, were selected to endorse the book on the back cover. Jimmy was SigEP Pt in 2006-2007, and Michael was IFC president for two years, during which time he was the first undergraduate Sig Ep to accept a NIC Award of Distinction at the NIC meeting in Washington, D. C., for the best IFC in the nation. He is now a graduate student in Communication Studies at EIU, and a GA in Athletic Fundraising. Jimmy is completing his student teaching in social studies, and plans to graduate in December 2008.

This book is in the "S&P Recommends" panel on the sidebar.